Finding Your Balance: Why Extremes Don’t Work for Dogs

Finding one's balance is an important skill for human handlers as well as for our dogs.  photo: AdobeStock

In my 20+ years of working with animals, I’ve learned there is an important balance we need to find in our relationships, not only with dogs, but with all creatures. This is the solid middle ground between seeking too much control and offering too little guidance and support.

We sometimes see an over-trained dog who may do whatever they’re told but exhibit emotional flatness. Their own personality is rarely on display and sometimes not even fully developed. Absent is the carefree, tongue-lolling joy of a dog who is loved for who they are, not solely for their performance.

These are animals whose spirits have been depressed by an overload of structure. They’ve learned to wait for direction and are sometimes even afraid or unable to make a choice or assert a preference, or they may do so surreptitiously. Often for the humans involved, the dog’s character is not as important as whether they obey. This is a two-dimensional relationship, woefully short on compassion.

In my experience, we often treat dogs the way we treat ourselves or have been treated by others. If we’re harsh, heartless, strict, or demanding with our pets, that is often what we’ve experienced in our own life and we may hold ourselves to the same unrealistic standards. If this is you, it’s time to take a deep breath and give yourself and your dog a break.

When we connect with dogs or other animals from the heart, we sense and appreciate the quality of their characters, not just the actions we can dictate. The connection we share is then more meaningful, deeper, and emotionally relevant for the dog and for ourselves.

The Other Extreme

On the flip side of these over-controlling humans are the dog owners who exhibit a complete lack of structure. These are the folks who are reluctant to give their dogs clear boundaries and guidelines. Typical manifestations in their dogs are chronic over-barking, stress, anxiety, reactivity, inappropriate vigilance, and even aggression. These dogs can be hard on - or for - other dogs and family members.

In these lack-of-structure scenarios, there is typically nothing wrong with the dog. They are generally very bright, sweet animals with kind hearts. The problem is that their humans think setting boundaries or rules is cruel, or they don’t know how to do so in positive ways. These folks wonder why their sweet dogs have this monster side when it is their own fear of doing anything they imagine might upset the animal that causes them to avoid setting crucial boundaries.

In the absence of boundaries and rules, dogs will often try to take it on themselves to create structure and social order: making rules, protecting, disciplining, policing, paying attention, and more. Unfortunately, that’s too much for the dog brain and they mismanage those tasks in the absence of real support and guidance from their humans.

The solution is to give your dog clear, calm, and kind boundaries. For example, if they bark for too long, interrupt them, thank them, say, “Good job” and “That’s enough now.” They’re only doing it to try and help the family. They need to hear from you that their work has been acknowledged and they can stop now.

Positive Reinforcement Is Key

I’ve had many clients tell me they enlisted a trainer to solve behavioral problems with their dogs. Unfortunately, there are still too many trainers who tell people to establish themselves as the “Alpha” through cruel methods like pin collars, shock collars, or other forms of painful and inappropriate negative reinforcement. This is misinformation and bad advice.

Negative reinforcement and punishment undermine trust and connection with our canine friends. The fact that a dog goes back to pulling on the leash when a pin collar is replaced with a soft collar proves that the pin collar is not an effective training tool.

I have never, ever met a dog who was not unequivocally clear that their human is the Boss, the Pack Leader, the Alpha. You have that job already. You don’t have to convince your dog. You just have to act like the leader by giving your dog calm, clear, consistent, kind, sensible guidance so they can understand their jobs.

Most dogs are very job-oriented. They want to perform well in their roles for the family. If we don’t help them understand what that role is, they will make it up themselves, based on their own work ethic and devotion to their family and their pack. Sadly, the roles they choose for themselves are not always the roles we’d like.

We want to see our dogs being confident, calm, silly, joyful, and playful, making the right choices most of the time (nobody’s perfect), and living their best lives. Positive reinforcement is the best and only training method for cultivating that crucial trust, clarity, connection, and understanding for both sides.

Too much control can be as harmful for dogs as too little. Life is a balance. We owe it to our dogs - and ourselves - to find the right one.